


Levi and OCD

by caspianwrites



Series: Levi and OCD [1]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Comfort, Crying Levi Ackerman, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Hurt Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), Hurt/Comfort, Levi Has OCD (Shingeki no Kyojin), Levi Needs a Hug (Shingeki no Kyojin), Levi is Bad At Feelings (Shingeki no Kyojin), Levi is So Done (Shingeki no Kyojin), M/M, Mental Breakdown, Multi, OCD!levi, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, Other, author has OCD
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-17
Updated: 2021-02-25
Packaged: 2021-03-12 11:15:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,417
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29508873
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/caspianwrites/pseuds/caspianwrites
Summary: everyone copes in different ways. some people get drunk and do stupid shit. some people hook up with mysterious strangers. captain levi ackerman copes in an unsual way. by scrubbing his hands clean until they bleed.
Relationships: Erwin Smith/Hange Zoë, Levi Ackerman & Erwin Smith & Hange Zoë, Levi Ackerman/Erwin Smith, Levi Ackerman/Erwin Smith/Hange Zoë, Levi/Hange Zoë
Series: Levi and OCD [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2181945
Comments: 6
Kudos: 93





	1. Hot Water

**Author's Note:**

> hi loves! i have pretty severe ocd and i kin levi, so...  
> my ocd is mostly repetition, contamination, symmetry, harm, and intrusive thoughts. while i'm not a germaphobe like levi, i do struggle with a fear of contamination of food.

Levi would not and _could not_ abide filth.

Venturing outside his immaculate quarters caused enough discomfort as it was. Venturing outside the walls was a different story.

Titan Country was crawling with grime, overrun with disease festering beneath the surface, corpses rotting in overgrown fields. 

Levi had watched recruits, soldiers, even his direct superiors, crumble beneath the guilt of watching their comrades die in nasty, brutal ways. 

Everyone broke in different ways.

Some wept bitter tears, some were plagued with nightmares. 

Levi’s vices appeared in strange ways. His compulsions were tolerated by few, and understood by even less.

On a good day- good being relative- Levi would return from a day of training or an expedition to scrub himself free of filth in a near-scalding shower, satisfied only when his skin was red and every nerve in his body cried out in pain.

But the bad days… they were truly bad.

It had been an admittedly shorter expedition, but Levi had been placed in charge of Mike’s new recruits while the Squad Leader and Commander Erwin planned their next move.  
That was their crucial mistake. 

Everything had gone wrong after that.

An abnormal had appeared as if out of thin air, and Levi had acted recklessly, impulsively, just like Erwin always told him not to. 

He had led children- children who revered him, who idolized him as a hero of men- to their inevitable deaths.

He had their blood on his hands in more ways than one, and by the time he was safe inside the Walls and locked in Erwin’s private bathroom, he had ripped his gear and uniform from his body and was throwing himself into a blisteringly hot shower.

His skin howled in protest, and it wasn’t enough.

He could feel blood on his skin long after it disappeared down the drain, could feel the sticky, hot stuff running down his back and into his mouth, seeping into his lungs, drowning him from within.

He was filthy, more than filthy. He was disgusting.

It was too much. His hands were covered in a perpetual sheen of sweat, and he could not scrub the grime and dirt of the outside world from beneath his nails.

Why couldn’t he get clean?

His breathe was coming in shallow and uneven now, and it wasn’t long before his legs- his _useless_ fucking legs- buckled beneath him.

He was aware of every part of his body, and he hated it. It was too much. He wanted to rend the flesh from his body as if from the corpse of a titan. 

Fuck, fuck fuck fuck fuck.

He didn’t know quite when Erwin got there, but suddenly, Levi was warm, and dry, and held tight in the older man’s embrace as he trembled and sobbed brokenly.

He abhorred the idea of Erwin seeing him in such a vulnerable state, Levi’s worst flaws bared for his lover to see, but he couldn’t bring himself to push the other man away.  
His own mind and body were betraying him. 

All he wanted was escape from the vicious cycle his mind had trapped him in. 

He felt so fucking trapped. There was no light at the end of the tunnel, no reprieve.

It didn’t matter how many kisses and praises Erwin showered him with, Levi was trapped in his head. 

He found himself day after day, standing in place as he closed and opened the same door dozens of times, lifting a glass just to put it back down, or lighting and immediately extinguishing an oil lamp, internally screaming for release. 

He found himself throwing out entire loaves of bread when he spotted what looked like mold at first glance on the corner of his slice of toast.

He had been punished for insubordination more than once when it came to throwing away possibly contaminated food, refusing to eat unsavory meals, and- most embarrassing of all- vomiting on the spot when offered a bowl of watery oatmeal. 

Most of the other soldiers looked at him in judgement, and though his inferiors knew by now to keep their mouths shut, Levi had sent more than one recruit sprawling to the ground for a slighting comment about his compulsions. 

Erwin and Hange were the only people who had really tried to understand his obsessive mindset and compulsive behaviors.

They were the only people he trusted enough not to ridicule and belittle him on a bad day, when he was in a fragile headspace.

And so it was in Hange and Erwin that Captain Levi Ackerman, Humanity’s Strongest Soldier, found solace. 

He nuzzled further into the juncture between Erwin’s neck and shoulder to avoid meeting the others’ eyes, feigning sleep.

“I know you’re awake, darling boy,” murmured Erwin, carding a hand through Levi’s basalt black hair. 

He shivered at the pleasant, comforting feeling of being held and petted.

“C’mon, faker,” added Hange, poking him softly. “Have some water, you look like you need it.”

He groaned but obliged, taking a glass of water from Hange and silently begging for her to take it back from him when he found himself unable to stop tapping the side. She did so, and Levi whined childishly, diving back into Erwin’s arms.

Traitorous tears stung at his eyes.

_Fuck._

“How do you feel, Levi?” asked Hange, a little softer.

“Like shit,” he grumbled, not bothering to elaborate. The others knew him well enough to recognize when his obsessive-compulsive disorder was spiraling out of his control. 

“Of course you do,” replied Hange bluntly. “You’ve been running yourself ragged with the expedition, don’t pretend you haven’t!”

Levi let out an impatient huff.

“She’s right, love,” said Erwin, rubbing soothing circles into Levi’s back. “You need rest; you will feel better once you’ve slept.” 

“I’ll feel better once I’m clean,” was the clipped reply. Erwin drew him closer. Hange only sighed in response.

“Love… your mind is a battlefield right now. It’s natural to feel unclean when your brain is so full of death and carnage. Your body is clean. I promise you this, Levi. Once your mind is refreshed, you will realize that it was your mind playing tricks on you, trying to keep you in the dark. Sleep now, sweet boy.”

Levi searched his eyes for any trace of a lie.

He wanted to fight back, to continue scrubbing at his skin until his flesh was finally sterile, clean…

But there was truth in Erwin’s words. His mind was truly what was so unclean.

"We'll keep you safe and clean," said Hange bracingly, giving his hand a squeeze. 

"That had better be a promise, Squad Leader," he grumbled, turning onto his side. 

" _Hush_ , you two," murmured Erwin, placing a kiss atop Levi's head. 

He was so tired.

Levi nestled in between his lovers, feeling ever so small, and pitched into the forgiving abyss of sleep.


	2. Intrusive Thoughts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Levi finds himself on the verge of a mental breakdown when intrusive thoughts make his life a living hell.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> MAJOR TW: intrusive thoughts of violence, self harm, suicide, and assault/r@pe. mild tw for panic attacks.  
> i have severe ocd and get intrusive thoughts of attacking/hurting people and animals i love, saying horrific things (including slurs) jumping off buildings or pushing other people off, and screaming in public.

Levi knew he was truly, utterly deranged when the voice in his head told him to plunge his rondel dagger into Erwin’s beautiful sapphire eyes. 

His sanity had been hanging on by a thread all day. Where had it all gone wrong? 

He had woken with the sun, taken a brisk shower, and dressed silently in his quarters before departing for a relatively uninteresting day of training the new recruits.

It should have been a breeze.

So of course it all went to hell immediately.

They had been testing the capability of some new ODM gear Hange had been tinkering with, and it was at the height of its arc, atop the canopy of the forest, that a voice stirred deep within Levi’s mind.

_Let go._

_What the fuck?_ He had thought, disregarding the off-putting suggestion and finding a perch high above the ground to rest before his knees buckled beneath him.

_Let go, let go, let go, let go, let go of the fucking branch, let go of the gear._

He must have been sitting there, visibly shaken, for a moment too long, because, graceful as a bird in flight, Erwin landed beside Levi on his solitary branch.

“All right there, Corporal?” he had asked, a note of concern in his voice. 

_Push him off._

The thought struck Levi like a bolt of lightning, and frightened him more than he would have liked to admit.

“I’m fine,” he’d responded.

He was completely and totally fucked. 

As Erwin swung away through the trees, Levi was left feeling more out of control than ever, a sensation he loathed more than any other.

When he had returned to the main hall of Utgard Castle in a harried huff, he found none other than Cadet Eren Jaeger trying (albeit admirably) and failing to clean the place.

“This is disgraceful work, Jaeger,” barked Levi, startling the boy. “I expect it to be redone by the time I return from the kitchen.”

“Yes, sir,” mumbled Eren dejectedly. 

_Bend him over and fuck him against the desk._

_Fucking- what?_

_No, no, no._ Levi’s head was reeling, and all too suddenly, he felt like crying. He didn’t think of Eren that way- he was a child, and the very idea of engaging in intimate affairs with the boy made him ill. 

God, Levi wanted to die.

He felt bile rising in his throat and winced, choking back shameful tears where they welled in his eyes.

He was a monster, a devil. He couldn’t even control his own thoughts. 

“Captain Levi?”

Shit. The brat had taken notice of his silence.

_Grab him by the hips._

“Captain, are you all right?” The concerned lilt of the boy’s voice cut through the fog in Levi’s mind.

“Fine, Jaeger. Return to the basement immediately,” was Levi’s clipped reply.

“But- sir?”

“To the _basement_ , Jaeger,” he snapped, and immediately cringed at the harshness in his own voice. 

“I… yes, sir.”

He refused to meet the boy’s gaze, and told himself that it was so Eren wouldn’t see the dismay in Levi’s face.

In truth, it was because he was afraid of what he might see there.

Afraid to see his own monstrous reflection in the boy’s sage green eyes. 

His mind was betraying him, and it wouldn’t be the last time.

Levi wrenched himself from the memories and pulled himself back into the present.

Now, as he sat beside Erwin at the long table in the mess hall, all too aware of the dagger in the scabbard on his hip, he was plagued with the image of cool metal sinking into the soft vitreous humor of the older man’s eye.

_Push it back, Levi._

Dinner was an excruciating affair, his thoughts as dark as they were persistent. He hadn’t had such a bad day in weeks. 

With every breath he drew, he fought the compulsive urges to scream amidst the clamor of the other soldiers’ chatter, to drive his fork into his own flesh.

_Levi, if you can’t hold your breath for a full minute, you’ll have to go out to the stables and chop Horse into little bits._

Fuck.

 _No, no, no, anything but that_ , he pleaded with himself.

_Do it. Fucking do it or you’ll take that knife and cut her into mincemeat._

He drew a shuddering, ragged breath, tears pricking at his eyes. Why couldn’t his mind leave him be?

55, 54, 53… 

God, his lungs screamed for oxygen. He wanted to die.

I can’t let go, he thought, counting down seconds, even as his vision swam and his chest felt as if he had been set ablaze.

47, 46, 45… 

_I can’t, I can’t, I can’t-_

30, 29, 28…

“Levi?”

_FUCK!_

He drew in a startled breath, choking on air. Erwin’s concerned gaze swept over him. “Levi, are you all right?” 

It was then that the ever stoic Captain Levi Akerman began to cry, quicksilver tears racing down his cheeks as he withheld sobs, turning into Erwin’s chest. “Shit- Hange, come with me.” Erwin’s voice was so far away.

_You know what you have to do, Levi._

_No, no, no, no, no-_

“No? What do you mean, Levi? What’s wrong?” It was only then that he realized he had been repeating the word aloud like a mantra.

He blinked up to see Hange and Erwin standing over him. They were in the seclusion of a castle corridor, away from the prying eyes of the other Scouts. 

“No, I can’t- fuck, please help me,” he sobbed, and his voice was so rough and ragged it sounded like he had swallowed broken glass.

Hange and Erwin exchanged an alarmed glance at the usually self-sufficient and pigheadedly stubborn Captain pleading for help, and Erwin enveloped Levi in his arms as Hange led the way up the stairs.

Where… where are we going?

He felt so drained, and so fucking small, drifting in and out of consciousness. 

It was only when he was safe inside Hange’s quarters, with her rubbing circles into his back soothingly as Erwin gripped his hand, that he regained awareness.

“Is Horse all right?”

Hange and Erwin exchanged the same alarmed glance, and Levi knew he must sound like a madman, but he didn’t care. He needed to know that Horse was all right, he didn’t hurt her, he didn’t, he didn’t. He didn’t hurt that fucking brat Eren Jaeger, or Erwin, and he didn’t hurt himself-

“Horse is safe, Levi,” said Hange. “I’m not really sure why you’re asking, but she’s perfectly safe.” There was a beat of silence as Levi caught his breath. “Though you might want to consider renaming her.”

“I’m not renaming the horse,” he replied, stubbornly, wiping his aching eyes with the back of his hand.

“No, of course not,” piped up Erwin. “How else would we know what kind of animal she is?”

Levi silenced him with a glare. “You’re both idiots. But… thank you. For putting up with me.”

Hange's eyes went wide with an expression Levi didn't recognize; it was almost akin to disappointment.

But it wasn't directed toward him.

"Levi, you beautiful idiot," she sighed, pulling him close. "We're not 'putting up with you'. Can't you get it through your thick skull how much we love you?" 

She said it with such vehemence that Levi almost allowed himself to believe her. 

Erwin hummed his assent, joining the hug to cage Levi between them. 

He wasn't usually a tactile person, but Levi had to admit, the feeling of his lovers grounding him in the present sent waves of calm washing over his body. 

And if he fell asleep between them, well then, nobody needed to know.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> levi gets kind of insecure at the end, which is something i deal with, too. when my loved ones help me through breakdowns, i feel like they shouldn't have to put up with me.  
> also yes levi named his horse 'horse.'

**Author's Note:**

> wow, that got dark pretty quick. i'll probably update this sporadically, or whenever i've had a bad day dealing with my own ocd and need to vent through levi.


End file.
